


If You Give a Fan an Eggplant

by the_great_fandom_lexicon



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Crack, F/M, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 17:36:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9134299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_great_fandom_lexicon/pseuds/the_great_fandom_lexicon
Summary: Sugardaddy Jonghyun, Momma Key, fetus eggplants, Mushu, Digidigdig Minho, hungry Onew, breakdancing Taemin and more!





	

Elizabeth wandered down the dark alley, her thoughts occupied by fantasies of bloodshed. Her steps bounced off the brick walls and reflected in the puddles left by an angry storm. As she walked, she failed to notice the presence of another. In fact, she was so engrossed in her thoughts that she was only made aware of another person when said person was dragging her by the hair and into the glare of a streetlight. She cried out as she felt her long locks being messily threaded through rubber bands. Once her hair was arranged into hastily tied pigtails, a man's voice said, "Speak in a high-pitched voice."

"Wha-" She began but caught the man's glare. She raised her voice several octaves. "What do you want?"

The man studied her for a moment but his attention was immediately redirected to the sound of shuffling behind him.

"Jonghyun." He said.

Prompted by his name, another man stepped into the yellow light. His eyebrows were slightly arched, dark eyes glittering with a slight air of amusement. He ran a long, slender hand through the bleached fringe which brushed his brow before addressing his friend.

"Key, darling." He said. "This isn't exactly what I meant when I said she was like any other girl."

"And here I thought you wanted to conform to stereotypes." Key grumbled. "And I worked so hard to prepare everything."

Jonghyun's perfectly shaped eyebrows furrowed. "What do you mean?"

Sighing, the taller man pulled a bundled wad from the pockets of his red, tightly fitted jeans. He carefully unfolded it, revealing a scandalous, yet tasteful, school-girl outfit, complete with a shimmering hair bow.

"Made it myself." Key muttered. A tear threatened to slip down his cheek.

Jonghyun looked regretful. He leaped gracefully next to his friend who was regarding the outfit sadly. Hooking a finger under Key's chin, he lifted it, meeting his eyes.

"I'm sorry." He said.

Key sighed. "Yeah, it's alright. Still-" He glanced at Elizabeth. "I just put so much thought into this."

"I know." The man stroked his friend's dark hair. "Hey, I'm sure Onew would like it."

The other man brightened considerably. "Yeah, he would, wouldn't he?" Key grinned and added as an afterthought, "He's always been into the kinky stuff."

Jonghyun gave him an encouraging smile. "Why don't you get your cute butt over there and I'll see you guys in the morning, yes?"

"Alright."

The two men said their goodbyes and Key left- but not before rushing back to Elizabeth to yank the hair ties from her hair.

"These are mine." He had growled, tucking them in his pocket possessively before melting into a puddle of blue-green goo.

Finally it was just her and the man with the amazing cheekbones.

"I'm going to be your sugardaddy." Jonghyun said.

Elizabeth stared at him. "Sugardaddy? You're going to turn into a giant candybar?"

Jonghyun immediately looked enraged. "What? No! I hate those, you foolish girl!" He glared at her.

"I'm sorry." She said, raising her hands. "You're the one who brought it up."

He cocked his head. "No I didn't. I said sugardaddy not Sugardaddy."

"Oh, of course." Elizabeth said, smacking herself.

Jonghyun tucked himself into a ball and rolled toward her, streaking through the Key-puddle. When he stood, they were close enough to feel each other's breath. "No, don't do that." He whispered and caressed the red spot on her forehead. "You're too beautiful."

She blushed and abruptly changed the subject. "So your name is Jonghyun?"

He stepped back and bowed. "Bling-Bling Jonghyun, at your service...that is, if you will have me."

Elizabeth nodded. "Fine, but you have to prove yourself first."

Jonghyun dropped to his knees. "Oh, I will! I will be the best sugardaddy you've ever had!"

"You better be." She tossed a wave of gleaming hair behind her shoulder.

"I promise." He whispered and leaped up to catch her lips into a kiss. "The official courting trial shall take place next week, but I refuse to stray from your herbal scent for so long."

Jonghyun transformed into a boom box and flew away, riding the sonar waves gracefully.

 

* * *

 

 

When Elizabeth came home from her weekly club meeting, she darted straight toward the bathroom to fix her hair and wash the blood from her hands before heading to her bedroom. A giant eggplant greeted her when she opened the door. It sank into the carpet, the fibers brushing against the smooth, purple skin of the vegetable. Dark purple faded to green at its peak and its stem brushed against the ceiling before curving into itself. Its beauty nearly drew tears from her eyes.

She quickly stripped off her clothes and scaled the smooth curves of the vegetable. At the top, she pulled off the stem, her muscles flexing with power and flung it through the window. She ate her way through the eggplant. When it was hollowed out, she sat cross-legged at the bottom and began chanting.

"Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater."

"'s not gonna work."

She sighed. "Get out of my eggplant, Onew."

"C'mon, I know these things. You need a bit of virgin blood."

Elizabeth dug her fingers into the fleshy floor. "Fine, whatever. Bring me to Jonghyun, then. I must thank my sweet prince for this gift."

"Sorry, no can do. You have to wait for the trial next week."

She turned to face Onew who was leaning against the wall of her eggplant, munching on tofu.

"Take me to him and I will give you all the chicken in the world."

He hesitated.

"Just imagine it. All the chicken you could ever want, all yours." Elizabeth focused on making her voice sultry. " _ Thick _ .  _ Juicy. _ Plump breasts and curvaceous legs."

"And with my swimming pool of sauces..." Onew whispered.

She leaned in. "The possibilites are endless."

Onew began sweating.

"Chicken." She whispered. "All yours and yours alone."

"Yes." He breathed. "Yes."

His dilated eyes met hers. "I can't take you to him, but I'll take you to the next best thing. Our house."

 

* * *

 

Elizabeth slid off the llama.

"Follow me." Onew said.

He led her through twists and turns of stone paths lined with tall hedges. When they at last reached the center, he fell to the ground and covered himself with dirt.

"Come face me!" He bellowed.

A fanfare began playing and she watched as the hedges parted and made way for a great dragon. Its scales were as deep a red as the forked tongue which flicked from its mouth. Shimmering horns sprouted from its head and curved up into the sky.

"Is that Mushu?" She whispered.

The music screeched to a halt as the dragon and Onew stared at her with wide eyes.

"This isn't China. Honestly-"

Suddenly, there was a flash of pink flesh and before she could register what was happening, Onew was being straddled by an incredibly large sumo wrestler.

The man roared. "Say one more thing and I'll finish you off like a-"

"Cheesecake?" Elizabeth offered.

The wrestler's face suddenly became as red as a freshly spanked bottom. He opened his mouth to kill her with his sharpened teeth, but before he had the chance, Not-Mushu gobbled him up. As the dragon frantically hunted for Pepto-Bismol, Onew stumbled up and grabbed Elizabeth, teleporting them away.

"You're late for dinner." Informed the hen upon their arrival.

"Yes. Key will be absolutely livid." Mocked a pineapple.

A grain of rice grunted. "If he's not too distracted by the state of your clothes."

Onew waved them away. "Let Kibummie whine. I just want food."

Leading her out of his room, Elizabeth followed him into a well lit room where a long table stretched from either end, decorated with every food imaginable. 

“Well, have a seat.” he said, indicating to one of the tall, wooden chairs. “He should be here in a moment.

Just as Elizabeth had hesitantly sat down, Jonghyun swept in, a chorus of angels singing through his luscious hair. His eyes widened upon seeing her and he scoured the room. He at last spotted a guilty looking Onew who was trying to hide within a giant bowl of kimchi. 

“Onew!” he snapped, “What is she doing here?”

Onew shrugged, stuffing his face. “She wanted to see you.” he said innocently between mouthfuls.

Jonghyun refocused on her. After debating what seemed to be an intense internal conflict, his expression cleared and he grinned. 

“Come with me.” he said. She hadn’t even replied before she realized they were suddenly in a different room.

“So!” he said, “Have you thought about my offer?”

"What about my family?" Elizabeth asked.

"Oh, don't worry. I've had Onew kill them all. You're free as a bird now." Jonghyun explained.

He frowned. "I would've had Minho do it but with his necrophilic tendencies, I'm not sure Taemin would appreciate it." 

"Onew didn't strike me as the type to stab someone."

"Stab them?" Jonghyun looked appalled. "Key would stab  _ him _ for getting blood all over his clothes. No, no. Onew didn't  _ stab _ them. He just flicked them in the forehead hard enough to crush their brains."

She nodded. Suddenly, a rush of pain erupted through her and she cried out, falling to her knees. 

“Elizabeth?”  Jonghyun cried. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Her vision blurred and she saw foggy figures of the other members crowding around her. She saw Minho break through the swarm with a thermometer in hand. She felt her body being hastily prodded with it until he suddenly sat back and went very still. 

Jonghyun hesitantly touched his shoulder. "What's the verdict?"

Minho paled. "Babydaddy."

They gasped.

"Babydaddy?" Jonghyun screeched.

"Yes. It would appear she is pregnant."

Elizabeth was about to protest when a sharp pain came from her elbow. She hissed.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Jonghyun asked.

"She's giving birth." Minho said.

She was suddenly flung to the ceiling.

"Taemin!" Key snapped. "Begin the labor dance."

Taemin nodded seriously and began to breakdance, making his own beats with his mouth.

Elizabeth felt another sharp pain, this one much stronger. She glanced at her elbow and watched in horror as the skin pierced open into the shape of a flower. Suddenly a rounded, purple lifeform began pushing against the flower's middle. Pain flashed again and scream ripped through her.

"Dance harder!" Jonghyun commanded.

Taemin was sweating profusely, but nodded as he sped up.

The protruding shape began to push harder against her skin, its purple surface bubbling and shifting. Elizabeth bent her arm further to allow it easier passage. As the object began to take form, she fell from the ceiling. She didn't even notice when she landed into Jonghyun's arms. A fire erupted from her elbow and she faded in and out of consciousness.

Taemin was dancing toward her and extinguishing the fire with his sweat.

Jonghyun was saying her name.

Somebody was gripping her hand and commanding her to push.

Jonghyun was saying her name.

Her heart was pounding in her chest and she felt streams of tears race down her cheeks.

Jonghyun was saying her name.

The pain was threatening to overwhelm her. She couldn't do it. It was too much. She-she-

Jonghyun was saying her name.

Jonghyun was saying her name.

Jonghyun was...

He was...he...

...

Jonghyun was saying her name.

Finally,  _ finally _ Key was announcing it was a boy.

The last thing she registered before giving herself up to unconsciousness was tender eyes and a soft voice.

"Elizabeth."

 

* * *

 

 

She groaned and cracked her eyes open. Jonghyun was leaning over her. 

"Elizabeth."

"Hey there, babydaddy." She croaked out.

Jonghyun was suddenly replaced by a grinning Key. "I should be the babydaddy. After all, I  _ did _ do most of the work."

His remark earned him a swift flick in the forehead from Onew.

"Where is he?" She asked.

"Who? The baby? Right over there." Onew said, pointing at Taemin.

She was distracted from Taemin's comeback by Jonghyun, who was placing a bundle in her arms. Elizabeth peered down at the swaddled eggplant.

"He's beautiful." She whispered. “My 우유아이.”

Jonghyun grinned. "I bet he has your taste."

They both observed their child. The eggplant was snoring peacefully. His vibrant purple skin had been cleaned from childbirth and his stem polished. Suddenly, his eyes fluttered open. A hush fell over the group. They all leaned in in anticipation as the eggplant struggled with words.

“Wh-I-” He licked his lips and his face screwed up in disgust. Suddenly he let out a piercing howl. His pupils blew up and razor sharp teeth sprouted from his eggplant-gums. Elizabeth shrieked as the child flung himself from her arms and rolled across the tile floor, squealing as it went. Finally, it hit the wall and crying out in agony, he began to beat himself against it. 

“Why?” The eggplant howled. Tears leaked from its eyes as he was suddenly thrown into the air and towards Minho, its teeth bared. Minho barely had time to cry out in shock before the eggplant had its fangs sunk deep into the flesh of the man’s face. The vegetable sobbed as it sucked at the slivers of flesh with relish. The others watched in horror as Minho crumpled to the ground, the eggplant at last detaching itself and rolling back to the now stained wall. It was silent but for the soft thumps of Elizabeth’s child beating himself against the wall. 

Taemin hesitantly approached the bloodied, shuddering body. “Minho?”

Minho heaved his head up and gazed into Taemin’s eyes, a single tear slipping down his cheek. "Digidigdig, My name is Minho." He croaked out between sputters of blood. Then he died.

Taemin rushed over to tenderly stroke Minho’s corpse before turning to the eggplant. “How could you?” he shrieked.

Suddenly, the eggplant stopped and turned slowly along its side to face Taemin. His bloodshot eyes shook and they focused on the grieving man. 

“I had to do

What had to be done.

It’s not like you guys

Even own a gun.”

Enraged, Taemin morphed himself into a pistol. It hopped threateningly, the metal’s impact echoing through the room. 

“What clever tricks,” the eggplant laughed, “but not enough wit.”

With that, it was sailing through the air again, this time targeting Key. Key was already flailing by the time it latched on, bawling about his ruined clothes. 

“No, Key!” Onew cried. He bounded over and gripped the eggplant, trying to rip it off. Instead, the eggplant only dug its teeth further, eagerly sucking as its tears mixed with Key’s blood. Finally, the cries died to a murmur and then to silence and the corpse fell to the ground. As Onew draped his body across Key’s, the eggplant began flinging itself across the room, howling as it bounded off the walls.  

"Why?" The eggplant wailed. "Why? Why? Why?"

"Why what?" Elizabeth finally asked.

The eggplant fixed its haunted eyes on her. "Why do I taste so shitty?!"

A colorful streak flashed past her and pounced onto the vegetable. Onew wrapped his arms around it and together they fell to the ground. He and the eggplant wrestled for dominance on the ground until rage fueled Onew’s victory and he quickly had it pinned. He glanced up at Elizabeth and Jonghyun. 

“This is for you guys and-” his voice cracked slightly, “-and Key.”

Before they could respond, Onew’s jaw unhinged and swallowed the eggplant whole. It beat against his throat, but finally he swallowed it. At first, nothing happened, but then Onew’s face screw up in disgust, the flavor at last hitting him. 

“Ugh!” He cried. “Th-the taste!” 

His face continued to crumble and he dragged his tongue through the puddles of blood- but it was too much. His features morphed and shifted as revulsion twisted them until a cacophony of cracks broke the air. Onew’s face broke into odd pieces of flesh and spilled across the floor, next to Key.  It was the last thing he ever ate. 

Elizabeth and Jonghyun rushed over to the pile of bodies. They rapidly checked the pulses of the mangled corpses before Elizabeth finally fell to her knees.

“They’re dead.” She whispered, staring at Onew’s stomach.  “All of them. Even my child.”

Jonghyun dropped down across from her. Elizabeth met his eyes. Abruptly, hope shone in her tears.

"If you can't be my babydaddy, will you be my sugardaddy?" Elizabeth begged.

Jonghyun held her gaze. "That's all I ever wanted." He whispered.

He leaned across Key's corpse and kissed her passionately as he slipped jewelry and money into her shirt.

  
  
  


_ fin. _

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this for a friend a couple years ago. I have no clue what drugs I was on. Share to save an eggplant.


End file.
